I think people, in general, are too hard on themselves- but women are worse at beating themselves up about their looks. I’ve never been extremely open here about what I went through, just spoken vaguely about not being kind to my body. I guess I’ve always been afraid as to what really putting myself out there would do- I’m not really afraid of the criticism you see, it’s more that during that period was such a dark time for me I don’t love to revisit it. However, what also has always helped me- is talking about it, and if my story helps just one person- then it’s all worth it.
I moved to New York 8 years ago; young, eager, unwise.. excited to start my career in the Fashion Industry. What they don’t tell you while you are in school is that the fashion business can be cruel, low paying, and cutthroat. You will have 20 people clamoring for your job at all times (remember the Devil Wears Prada? That was kind of a walk in the park compared to my job) and a boss that most likely doesn’t have much of a life outside of work. This is not to say that every fashion house will be like this- it just was with those that I encountered.
I was overworked, underpaid, and treated horribly. True story. My solace became the gym- as that was the only aspect of my life that I could control. Every night I would go there and pound away on the treadmill. Every bad moment of my day would melt off with each mile that I would run. Sounds like a good stress reliever, right?
I suppose yes, if it would have stopped there. Soon enough, the work situation got worse. So I took over another part of my life that I could control. Food, or lack thereof really. One packet of oatmeal for breakfast, some soup, saltine crackers (five, always five), and celery sticks for lunch. Then I would head to the gym and pound away on the treadmill or elliptical. Escaping. Once home I would allow myself one mug of cereal and tea. Then off to bed where I would toss and turn all night. The pounds melted off. The comments started, “wow, you’re getting so skinny!” At that point I only heard a compliment, even though I’m pretty sure it wasn’t one.
I learned every trick in the book to avoid eating.
The problem with not eating is that you start to get very anxious- which in turn makes it impossible to sleep- which in turn makes you a crazy person. I had a running dialogue in my head about calories, work worries, food, exercise. I was depressed and crippled with the fear of not being good enough. I planned my life around that damn gym. I stopped seeing friends.. all while losing, losing, losing.. One night I blacked out on the elliptical, went home, and asked my roommate for help. It was the eye opener I needed.
I called my parents, I got professional help.. I surrounded myself with people who were supportive- but most importantly? I talked about it. I was open with people, as a major part of having an ED is the secrecy behind it. I learned to love myself again- and even though it was a small part of my life a while back, I still talk about it to anyone that asks.
To this day I have to eat healthy most of the time (I’ve explained this before- my real indulgences are desserts), work out frequently, and stick to a daily routine. I’m ok with this, because it keeps me healthy, fit, and sane.
Throughout all of this I’ve realized that eating makes me stronger and fuels my workouts-I just need to keep my attitude about it in check. The best book I’ve ever read on the topic? Gaining: The Truth About Life After Eating Disorders.
I’ve gained a new outlook on life; and that is that being happy is more important than anything… and so I am. Be kind to yourself, appreciate what you have, and please… ask for help if you need it.
Just to add this, as I’ve received an email on the matter.. I am not saying that I am 100% fully healed from eating issues. I have good days and bad just like anyone else (probably most women actually). However my relationship with food is now healthy, I see it as fuel and choose to fill my body with good for me items. Desserts for me are an indulgence, because honestly.. I wouldn’t feel great eating them every single day. I workout a lot because I enjoy being active, not because I’m a slave to a treadmill. That’s all I expect of myself- to be healthy and happy. Thank all of you so much for your kind comments and emails.
photo from here
